How I've been
since first memories
of others existing.
Irrational, sure,
like fear of clowns
or not forwarding
a chain letter,
but right
in the virus world
in a way that has me
desirous of the opposite:
incursions into chaos,
banging a madman's
drum. I'm almost
the age of Harry
Haller when he
set a date for choosing.
I test his urge
to explore decadence,
dinner parties
filled with brutal words,
pungent fumes,
flesh that toys
with my divided self.
While you've been
more like me, Reader,
this page depicts me
more like you
in better times
you speak of with fondness
as if as filled with joy
as you believe.